I hope you forgive me

Disclaimer: This is mostly fictional story with inspiration from few facts and experiences from my life. 

6:30 AM and my alarm started ringing. I do not have the regular annoying ringtone but a sweet melodious song "Sanu ek pal chain na aave, sajna tere bina". I think I have lately been in love with this girl. I call her "Pri". I would get up and send a good morning text with a sweet romantic image. It has become customary for me to send Good morning message and at the end type "Beautiful" and send it. Beautiful, that’s how I think she is. Everyday after I wake up, I would search for another good morning message and keep it ready to be sent the next morning. This has become a rule for me since the time I fell for Pri and would like to keep doing it everyday for rest of my life. I think the messages and calling her beautiful brings a smile on her face. We have been together for almost a year now and I believe I have taken utmost care of her, without asking her tried to understand her problems and brought gifts based on her likes, dislikes. Probably, I think I did everything that I could do to keep her happy. I am not saying this because I am the perfect life partner. But through this post would like to do a confession. Whatever I did was more for me than for her. After wishing her, I would start with my day and get ready for office.

At office, I would finish reading all emails and doing important office work within the first hour . Then I would spend some time reading online news. Meanwhile, Pri and I would keep on chatting on messenger. Sometimes we talk sensibly about things that happened during the day, sometime just talk non sense because there is no topic to talk. We would share everything with each other. But I still had a part of me that I have not shared with her. Some part of me was always in past, remembering things and thinking about them. I would continue reading news and online articles. I don't know about you, when I am finished reading major headlines, I tend to start reading other sections which talk about health and love. These sections trouble me sometimes, because there would always be one small article talking about how someone failed in love, how some one betrayed their partner in love. Even today there was a news about heart break and girl commits suicide after that. I sometimes think that the news is all about me. I think, my name is written in that article and there are people staring and pointing at me, saying that I am guilty. Maybe I am, because even I had broken someone's trust and heart. I closed the browser, but I still kept on thinking about my past. Remembering those moments, I got uncomfortable and thought - Would Asma be still thinking and worried about me? Did I break her heart? I would talk to myself and say that a girl who was so confident, independent and lively, she would be fine and would have moved on in life. I knew that she would not run away from happiness and stay upset for long. But after reading todays article, my belief was shaken. I wish, I could close and delete these memories like how I can close the browser and the article would just go away. It was doing time travel. Again all Asma's memories came back. I think, you cannot run away from your past. You will be reminded of it time and again. Asma and me were very close friends in college. Writing down notes, sipping coffee in canteen, sharing tiffin and watching movies that rest of the friends would never watch. Those were good times. Everyday there was something new. And there were no conditions. I think when you are close friends, you get this happiness as complementary, like how you get chutney with Dosa. Slowly and steadily, we started coming closer to each other. We would go for movies night out, go for long drives and just roam around the city on my bike. I would love when she would hold me when we were roaming around on my bike. Along with happiness, we had now also started sharing our sadness and problems. I started believing that our friendship has moved and made way for love, and … I did not try to stop this from happening. I let love replace our friendship. May be I had become selfish. I would feel extra special everyday and she would care even more as days passed by. At the same time, I was not sure about our future. If I would marry her and stay with her life long.

I was doing this time travel and suddenly got message on my phone. It was Pri. I just realized, I had not replied to her message for some time now. I felt angry that first of all I betrayed Asma and now even I am preparing myself to hurt Pri by thinking about Asma. At this point, there is no place for Asma in my heart. All I wanted to do is to meet her once and say "Sorry." I wanted to say that I am ashamed of what I have done and know if she is happy and moved on in life. And that she has forgiven me. That's it. That’s all I want. I had again started to think about her. Asma reminded of the time when life would seem so easy and beautiful when she was around. She reminded of the time when sometimes, I would forget my limits as a friend and try to touch her hand. She would act like she did not notice it and would slowly move and sit near me. We would sit in movie theater and watch entire movie holding hands and her head on my shoulder.

But now, I feel that I should have stopped this before all it happened. I should have stopped our friendship becoming into love. Now, all I wanted to do is to find a road which could take me 6 years back when I had left Asma alone. I wish I could meet her, loosen the burden that I have on my heart and then again come back to present.

In the afternoon, I got email from one of my college friend. It was his wedding invitation. I called him and he kept on insisting that I should make it to the wedding. It's a very long distance travel and I was thinking of avoiding it until my friend said "You have to make it, all friends are coming, even Asma". I could not believe my ears. I could meet her again, after 6 long years. This seemed like the same day when Asma had called me 6 years back and asked to meet me at a coffee shop, sharp at 6pm. No, we were not planning to meet to have a coffee and nice time. She had called because she wanted to break up and get married to someone else.  And she wanted to meet me for one last time. I could not think of anything. I know I had done my share of mistakes, but to meet her face to face and hear her say Good bye for last time - I just could not handle it. My mind was busy thinking how can I change this. How can I change her mind and convince her not to leave me. I did not have the confidence to meet her face to face and I did not have the guts to see her go forever. Finally I decided and did not go to meet her. I know she must have been waiting for me at the coffee shop. I thought she would message me one last time, asking, why I did not show up. But she did not do that. I started considering myself a coward.

But this time, I was not going to be a coward. I decided to go to my friend's wedding and booked tickets. During my entire journey I was thinking what should I say to Asma. Would it be OK to ask about her first or directly come up to the topic and apologize. Or maybe after meeting me she would be upset. Probably she may just ignore me. There were hundreds of things going through my mind. Finally I reached the wedding venue. As soon as I entered, there she was - Asma. We both looked at each other. She was looking beautiful in her pink saree. I did not take time to realize that she was not wearing a mangalsutra. What happened, why is she not married? What is the reason she is not married? Few of my friends came forward to meet me. I saw Asma walking towards me and getting closer. I shook hands with everyone, even with Asma. It was that familiar touch. I felt I should keep holding her hand forever. Asma replied to my "Hi" greeting and she seemed to be very happy. After seeing Asma for a long time, I completely forgot that I wanted to apologize to her. I again felt, I should run away. During the entire wedding, my eyes would always stop by and keep looking at her. Sometimes, our eyes would meet and I would then start looking somewhere else. She realized I wanted to say something. She came close to me and jokingly said "Are you going to run away again?" I did not know what to say, but managed to ask "How are you". She looked at me for a while and replied "I am good, happy. Me and my husband are staying in New Zealand." I didn't know how to feel. Whether I should be happy or sad that she is married. Probably, my male ego got hurt a little bit. Then she told me that she understood why I did not show up at the coffee shop. She said she cried a lot that day. I wanted to tell her, but could not say anything. But she understood everything. Finally, I held her hand in mine and asked her "Is it possible for you to forgive me? I know when we were together, I did lots of mistakes and when you decided to move away and still meet for one last time, I did not make it. I have been in lot of pain for these 6 years". Asma looked at me for a while, smiled and said " I had forgiven you a long time back. That's why I could move on. Incomplete love makes life miserable."

We did not talk much after that. I stayed on my seat, doing nothing but watching Asma dance with her husband. I kept looking at her. In my mind, I started writing another apology letter for myself and the way I have lived so far.