My Life Partner - Part 1

Everyone knows Mumbai is a city of lights and night life. But around 5 AM there is still part of the city which is sound asleep. Usually, to wake them up, the sun rises and puts a bright sunshine on the city. Mumbai was getting ready to wake its' people. There are few bunch of people who do wake up even before that happens. I am part of it. Sadly, my alarm clock does not let me sleep beyond 5.30 AM. 

Even though Mumbai is the city which never sleeps. When you wake up at 5.30 in morning, you will see that moon is sleepy. Skies are trying to assemble their belongings and sun is trying to spread its golden yellow glow. But the sun hasn’t risen yet. And as always I would stand at my balcony holding a cup of tea. I always liked this time of the day. Because this is the only time I would take a sip from my cup of tea and I would forget that I am an Engineer and go beyond my boundaries and be truly myself - how I wanted to be. My imaginative mind would be awakened. I would be a poet, a story writer, a musician. I could be anything that I wanted to be. I would stand there and imagine my old memories.I would also be practical and think about what I should do to go forward in my career. 

Basically, this is my time. Nobody else has control over it. Nobody can take it away from me. 

Otherwise, rest of my life is boring.  I have to be practical, talking to the client, solving their problems and doing all those things that 99% of people spend their life on. 

Taking a sip of my tea I usually hold my hand on the railing, not so that I am afraid that I would fall off that I think it gives some kind of company. Many years back Sushma and I used to stand on the same balcony, hands in hand and looking at each other. It used to rain but we would stand there looking at each other, sometimes even argued and fought on things, but, then I used to convince her. She used to smile and we used to hug each other and forget our problems.

But now Sushma seem to be busy with our marital life. Waking up, looking at our children. And because of that, she is so busy until late night, I don’t want her to wake up early like I do. Otherwise, we would have some time to spend with each other. There is no time when I can talk to her. A weird time pause has taken place in our life. 


Click here to read Part 2: The Promise and Railway Station

Random Shayari. Hope you like it.

Tere khwabon ko mere khwabon se milne to de,Tu aaye sammne, aisa lage, Jannat ki khusbu hai yaha.Tu jaye gujarr, to aisa lage,Tujhko na kho jau main agar.Tere khwabon ko mere khwabon se milne ne de jara

I hope you forgive me

Disclaimer: This is mostly fictional story with inspiration from few facts and experiences from my life. 

6:30 AM and my alarm started ringing. I do not have the regular annoying ringtone but a sweet melodious song "Sanu ek pal chain na aave, sajna tere bina". I think I have lately been in love with this girl. I call her "Pri". I would get up and send a good morning text with a sweet romantic image. It has become customary for me to send Good morning message and at the end type "Beautiful" and send it. Beautiful, that’s how I think she is. Everyday after I wake up, I would search for another good morning message and keep it ready to be sent the next morning. This has become a rule for me since the time I fell for Pri and would like to keep doing it everyday for rest of my life. I think the messages and calling her beautiful brings a smile on her face. We have been together for almost a year now and I believe I have taken utmost care of her, without asking her tried to understand her problems and brought gifts based on her likes, dislikes. Probably, I think I did everything that I could do to keep her happy. I am not saying this because I am the perfect life partner. But through this post would like to do a confession. Whatever I did was more for me than for her. After wishing her, I would start with my day and get ready for office.

At office, I would finish reading all emails and doing important office work within the first hour . Then I would spend some time reading online news. Meanwhile, Pri and I would keep on chatting on messenger. Sometimes we talk sensibly about things that happened during the day, sometime just talk non sense because there is no topic to talk. We would share everything with each other. But I still had a part of me that I have not shared with her. Some part of me was always in past, remembering things and thinking about them. I would continue reading news and online articles. I don't know about you, when I am finished reading major headlines, I tend to start reading other sections which talk about health and love. These sections trouble me sometimes, because there would always be one small article talking about how someone failed in love, how some one betrayed their partner in love. Even today there was a news about heart break and girl commits suicide after that. I sometimes think that the news is all about me. I think, my name is written in that article and there are people staring and pointing at me, saying that I am guilty. Maybe I am, because even I had broken someone's trust and heart. I closed the browser, but I still kept on thinking about my past. Remembering those moments, I got uncomfortable and thought - Would Asma be still thinking and worried about me? Did I break her heart? I would talk to myself and say that a girl who was so confident, independent and lively, she would be fine and would have moved on in life. I knew that she would not run away from happiness and stay upset for long. But after reading todays article, my belief was shaken. I wish, I could close and delete these memories like how I can close the browser and the article would just go away. It was doing time travel. Again all Asma's memories came back. I think, you cannot run away from your past. You will be reminded of it time and again. Asma and me were very close friends in college. Writing down notes, sipping coffee in canteen, sharing tiffin and watching movies that rest of the friends would never watch. Those were good times. Everyday there was something new. And there were no conditions. I think when you are close friends, you get this happiness as complementary, like how you get chutney with Dosa. Slowly and steadily, we started coming closer to each other. We would go for movies night out, go for long drives and just roam around the city on my bike. I would love when she would hold me when we were roaming around on my bike. Along with happiness, we had now also started sharing our sadness and problems. I started believing that our friendship has moved and made way for love, and … I did not try to stop this from happening. I let love replace our friendship. May be I had become selfish. I would feel extra special everyday and she would care even more as days passed by. At the same time, I was not sure about our future. If I would marry her and stay with her life long.

I was doing this time travel and suddenly got message on my phone. It was Pri. I just realized, I had not replied to her message for some time now. I felt angry that first of all I betrayed Asma and now even I am preparing myself to hurt Pri by thinking about Asma. At this point, there is no place for Asma in my heart. All I wanted to do is to meet her once and say "Sorry." I wanted to say that I am ashamed of what I have done and know if she is happy and moved on in life. And that she has forgiven me. That's it. That’s all I want. I had again started to think about her. Asma reminded of the time when life would seem so easy and beautiful when she was around. She reminded of the time when sometimes, I would forget my limits as a friend and try to touch her hand. She would act like she did not notice it and would slowly move and sit near me. We would sit in movie theater and watch entire movie holding hands and her head on my shoulder.

But now, I feel that I should have stopped this before all it happened. I should have stopped our friendship becoming into love. Now, all I wanted to do is to find a road which could take me 6 years back when I had left Asma alone. I wish I could meet her, loosen the burden that I have on my heart and then again come back to present.

In the afternoon, I got email from one of my college friend. It was his wedding invitation. I called him and he kept on insisting that I should make it to the wedding. It's a very long distance travel and I was thinking of avoiding it until my friend said "You have to make it, all friends are coming, even Asma". I could not believe my ears. I could meet her again, after 6 long years. This seemed like the same day when Asma had called me 6 years back and asked to meet me at a coffee shop, sharp at 6pm. No, we were not planning to meet to have a coffee and nice time. She had called because she wanted to break up and get married to someone else.  And she wanted to meet me for one last time. I could not think of anything. I know I had done my share of mistakes, but to meet her face to face and hear her say Good bye for last time - I just could not handle it. My mind was busy thinking how can I change this. How can I change her mind and convince her not to leave me. I did not have the confidence to meet her face to face and I did not have the guts to see her go forever. Finally I decided and did not go to meet her. I know she must have been waiting for me at the coffee shop. I thought she would message me one last time, asking, why I did not show up. But she did not do that. I started considering myself a coward.

But this time, I was not going to be a coward. I decided to go to my friend's wedding and booked tickets. During my entire journey I was thinking what should I say to Asma. Would it be OK to ask about her first or directly come up to the topic and apologize. Or maybe after meeting me she would be upset. Probably she may just ignore me. There were hundreds of things going through my mind. Finally I reached the wedding venue. As soon as I entered, there she was - Asma. We both looked at each other. She was looking beautiful in her pink saree. I did not take time to realize that she was not wearing a mangalsutra. What happened, why is she not married? What is the reason she is not married? Few of my friends came forward to meet me. I saw Asma walking towards me and getting closer. I shook hands with everyone, even with Asma. It was that familiar touch. I felt I should keep holding her hand forever. Asma replied to my "Hi" greeting and she seemed to be very happy. After seeing Asma for a long time, I completely forgot that I wanted to apologize to her. I again felt, I should run away. During the entire wedding, my eyes would always stop by and keep looking at her. Sometimes, our eyes would meet and I would then start looking somewhere else. She realized I wanted to say something. She came close to me and jokingly said "Are you going to run away again?" I did not know what to say, but managed to ask "How are you". She looked at me for a while and replied "I am good, happy. Me and my husband are staying in New Zealand." I didn't know how to feel. Whether I should be happy or sad that she is married. Probably, my male ego got hurt a little bit. Then she told me that she understood why I did not show up at the coffee shop. She said she cried a lot that day. I wanted to tell her, but could not say anything. But she understood everything. Finally, I held her hand in mine and asked her "Is it possible for you to forgive me? I know when we were together, I did lots of mistakes and when you decided to move away and still meet for one last time, I did not make it. I have been in lot of pain for these 6 years". Asma looked at me for a while, smiled and said " I had forgiven you a long time back. That's why I could move on. Incomplete love makes life miserable."

We did not talk much after that. I stayed on my seat, doing nothing but watching Asma dance with her husband. I kept looking at her. In my mind, I started writing another apology letter for myself and the way I have lived so far.

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

First of all the things, let me start by congratulating Indian Space Research Organization (ISRO) for successfully sending 104 satellites in space. For those of who are actually staying on different planet (take that as sarcasm for not reading news), 104 satellites from different countries like US, Israel, Kazakhstan, Netherlands, Switzerland and UAE were sent in space successfully by ISRO. This is a new record (last one was sending 37 satellites). Wow, that's 3 times the last record. Great Job ISRO engineers and scientists. ISRO is planning to send 2nd Mangalyaan to Mars and another unmanned shuttle to Venus.  I am feeling so proud to be an Indian. I spent a considerable amount of time today reading on this topic.

And yes, I did read a lot on this topic because of which you see - this post's title has planet names in them. And Mars and Venus projects reminded me of the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus by John Gray. Probably what Mr. John Gray tried to convey in his book is true for most of men and women.I had two interesting experiences today which reminded me of this book and I was able to relate to some concepts from that book.

Few months back, I created a profile on matrimony site (don’t ask.. Mom ne zidd kar rakhi thi, so I created it). I find it really interesting to see all the interests you receive from different people and read their profile. Some of them are funny, some are nice and some are totally weird. And the site where I registered, they also send interests on my behalf. Their computers determine my likes, dislikes based on my profile and probably just randomly sends requests to girls. And so, one request was sent to this girl and she accepted it. It's been almost 3 weeks, she accepted, but we never had a conversation. So, I sent her a message yesterday and she replied. Her profile seemed nice and everything was matching with my preferences. But then Aakashvani hui and reality showed up. Instead of knowing each other, she started talking about rules and conditions. First rule, can not stay in Mumbai. I thought - WTF, I was born and brought up, my family, friends and house is in Mumbai… how can I just move to some other place. That’s a very demanding condition. I won't talk about rest of the conditions, but you can get an idea of what must have followed. No options but to remove her profile connection. I think that’s why people say Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. They make their own world and rules. They grow up and behave as per the society they grew up in. Probably this girl had her world in her mind and wanted me and accept her world and rules. It may be fine and I may have thought of doing it, but only after knowing the person and developing genuine love and care for them.

My second experience is also related to this matrimonial site. I started talking to a girl 2 weeks back and I genuinely find her nice. Since we got connected, we used to talk everyday. But for last 4-5 days I have been real busy with office work and other things. So busy that I did not even get time to call and talk to mom for few days. So it's obvious that I would not have had a chat with this girl. So after few days of not talking much, I get a message last night saying "bla..bla..bla.. ……Bye.. TC.. Hv gr8 future". When I woke up and saw that message, I was wondering what happened. Again as a reference from the book, Mr. John Gray says that men and women treat stress differently. Men seems to withdraw temporarily and women may not be interested in solving the problem but like to talk about it. I think that's exactly what happened. I knew she was stressed due to some work related stuff. And same was with me. After lots of office work, I wanted some alone and peaceful time. Anyways, we did end up talking a lot today and everything seems fine now. But at the end of the day, I just can not stop thinking - Was this a trick to remind me that I need to talk? Or what I am thinking about the stress thing is right?

Finally, here is just a random image I clicked driving back home.

It's been a while

Really, it's been a while that I have done things that I loved to do. Blogging is one of them. I still do blog, but that's technical blog and related to office work. I am talking about personal blog. I have not written much about the experiences I have had in past neither I worked on understanding my thoughts. Well… I think it's time to start writing again.

When we were small, we used to hear and tell stories to friends and family. I still remember when I was 4 or 5 years old, all relatives used to make me tell a story. I was small enough to not understand that it was not the story that they wanted to hear, but probably the way I used to tell them. You know how kids talk and tell stories. I don't know why as we grew up, we forgot to share stories. Probably, it’s the technology to blame… In my free time, I watch YouTube, listen songs on internet radio and then there is Facebook, insta and WhatsApp. The list has increased in recent years.

You must be wondering, many people do this. They start writing blogs, play musical instruments, decide to learn new things, etc. and then after a while forget about it. Yes, I fell in that category. But I had this realization about a week back that I need to rewind a bit and probably get a fresh start and and continue doing it (like I used to do during my school and college days). You still don't think I will be able to do it? Well, I don’t blame you. At this point, even I do not have enough hopes or confidence… But hey, at least I have started. I drew a portrait last week and I am happy how it turned out. Here it is. I have things to talk about this portrait, but probably will keep that for later blog post. The idea for this post is to see this as a fresh new start to do things that I used to love to do.

And lastly, because I am posting this on 14th Feb... Happy Valentines Day!

I love Internet Radio

So, I open facebook. Check some updates. Put some comments and comment on the comments of other people. Now what. Yes, I can log out and check twitter or even my email. Ok. I log in to twitter, tweet - “Hoping today is better than yesterday”. I see no one has done a retweet on my tweet. So, now its time to log out of twitter and then check my email.

256 Unread emails in 2 days?!!?? That is like a lot to read. But then I think, this will at least make my time pass by easily. I am checking some emails, I get an update that “This girl also commented on your status”. I log in to facebook, check the comment…. well, I could have actually check the comment through the email itself…. Why did I log in to facebook? I do not want to waste few hours just checking out some gossip or viewing profiles of girls so I go back to my inbox to check emails again.

1 hour gone and I do not have any unread emails. I know that there will be 200 emails bouncing in my inbox in another 2 days. Crap. I need to unsubscribe out of all those mailing lists and useless websites.

While clearing up the list and unsubscribing from those unwanted sites, I visit this free online radio website (You know how internet links can take you from one place to another without you know why you visited this site or from where did this link trap actually start). It was playing some good RnB songs, another channel had some groovy house music. So, I start to think, “Hey, I do not need to maintain all that music in my hard drive, I do not need to sort things out, I do not need to carry it around. Just log on to the internet and catch up with the songs you like.” After experiencing the day full of crazy jumbled up and complicated things, it is always nice to come back to something that is simple, hassle free and easy on you.

Now, I am starting to love Internet radio and I am starting to love things that are uncomplicated, easy and simple.

Rickshaw and the Subsidy

It seemed like a normal day to get ready to go to office. Had a wonderful tea which mom prepared. It was drizzling outside. I usually leave home and catch a rickshaw to station, catch a bus or train and reach office. As part of this daily routine, I got ready and came downstairs. Today seemed a bit unusual to me. But I could not figure out what it was. There were more number of people walking, roaming around. I could hear less of those honking horns and less number of vehicles plying on the road. I just could not figure out what it actually was. I tried to look around for a rickshaw and could not find one. Thats very rare that you cannot find a rickshaw in a city like Mumbai. Were are all those little boxes of crap. It's getting late for me now and I could not get a rickshaw. I had to walk to the station. Already frustated, I stopped by a small "tapri" (tea house) to have a tea and cigarette. Already unaware of what the situation was, I saw a group of people, around 40-50 in number walking on the road. They were shouting slogans - "Shiv Sena Jindabad", "Hey rashtra Maharashtrians cha". Most of them were holding a orange colored flag in their hand, waving it high. In matter of minutes, you could see a huge traffice jam. These people had jammed the road and were not allowing vehicles to move. WHY?? I asked a man standing besides me. He was also enjoying his cigarette and tea and looked at me and just gave a smile at first. He replied - "Well, there seems to be a stirke of the rickshaw-walas and these guys are not allowing rickshaws and BEST buses to ply."
I asked - "Why are they doing this?"
Man - "Well, it seems they are not happy with the price hike in the fare. They want more." (drinking another sip of tea)
Me - "Well, the price is already so high that I avoid travelling by Rickshaw whenever possible. You know, cannot afford it."
Man - "Yes, it is. Anyways, what can we do. Lets enjoy our tea."
Me - "Yes....." (I did not have any else to reply to this guy) I tried to concentrate back on my tea and ignore whatever was going on in front of me. But I could not. I again looked at the guy and asked him - "I believe they are from Shiv Sena or MNS".
Man - "Bingo. Who else.... (laughing)..."
Me - "Sorry, I dont know if you support this party of not. But I do not."
Man - "Don't worry. It does not matter at this point of time."
Well, then I left off to catch my train. This was an end of our conversation there. Well, it seemed like a usual conversation. The topic of commodities getting expensive, fuel prices rising, taxes, etc.... had created a huge success last time for BJP-Shiv Sena alliance. We could see that the rickshaw were shut down and government actually increased the fare for rickshaws. Well.... So, what if a topic like this creates a stir. Will these parties continue to take this up all the time and create problems for common people like me? I had read it long time back that common strategy of the BJP-Shiv Sena alliance is to give commodities at subsidised rates and empty the national treasure. Congress on the other hand has to then fill up the treasury by increasing taxes. I can say that this is a very brief comment of the 40 page long article that I had read in a magazine and it definitely is true from my perspective. I do not know if there will be another hike or not or if the commodities will be available at lower prices or not. All I am concerned is that I need to earn money, do the hardwork and get the required stuff at whatever price it is available. I understand that if I get commodities at subsidised rates, it is only making me more lazy and inspiring me not to earn more. It is only going to help me become more dependent on the political scene and less independent. So, better not hope for any miracles and mercy from government and do the job we are meant to do.